F**k A D**n Red-Eye

Right before I left for the airport to fly to Philadelphia and then London, I had the following conversation with my brother-in-law.

B-I-L: Are you taking a red-eye?

Me: Yup.

B-I-L: F**k a d**n red-eye!!

Me: That’s just how it worked out.

B-I-L: You do what you want. I’m just saying. F**k a d**n red-eye!!

I knew from past experience that the man had a good point. But I learned on the way to London that no truer words have ever been spoken in the English language.

Perhaps sitting in Philadelphia International Airport for eight-and-a-half hours was meant as an omen of things to come. A combination of getting to RDU early and being put on an early plane and a three-hour delay allowed me to spend an entire billable day (not that I have those any more) in an airport that doesn’t have free wireless internet, but does have the worst food options for any airport in North America of its size. But I digress.

Why f**k a d**n red-eye? Combine the following factors: 1) A person that has trouble sleeping in a sitting position (that’s me), 2) An infant who, based on the sounds that were coming from it, I am quite certain was being poked in the face with flaming needles by some invisible demon from 3:00 to 3:45 am, 3) An eight-year-old contortionist sitting next to me who spent the entire night (sleeping) alternating between slamming me in the arm with her head, slapping me in the face with the back of her right hand and kicking me in the chest, and 4) Some idiot with a window seat who decided to open up her window shade at the crack of dawn (which comes quickly when you’re flying east) and spotlighting me like a poor pathetic forest creature. I know some of you have spotlighted deer before. Have you ever had one fall asleep on you while you were doing it? I’m guessing not.

Thanks to flight delays, screaming infants, contortionist children, sadistic idiots, immigration and a long-ass tube ride from the airport to downtown, I arrived in London having slept about 30 minutes of the prior 27 hours and it was only 3 pm here.

Whatever. I stayed up and went out to help get over the jet lag (more in another post), but f**k a d**n red-eye!!